10 Ways To Cope With The Loss of Your Baby
1.) BUY A WEIGHTED TEDDY BEAR
Bastion weighed 5lb 9oz, and my 'Bash Bear' gives me something to hold and hug on my saddest days. The heaviness I feel when I put him on my lap is a sweet reminder of how hard I worked growing 5 pounds of a beautiful life.
Etsy has many choices to choose from, and not all are teddy bears:
Most comfort objects come at a pretty hefty price. If you are worried about that, Molly's Bears are a great option. Your wait time is just much longer than an Etsy order. But worth it by any means.
2.) WEAR YOUR BABY'S NAME
Wearing this bracelet at all times helps me feel connected with my son.
I glance at his name throughout the day and feel he is with me. I play with it when I'm feeling anxious. It lessens my guilt, too; part of me feels so guilty that I am going about my life without him.
Wearing his name eases this feeling. I can't bring him back, but I can remember him always.
Read more about these bracelets, and make your own
3.) CHERISH THOSE PHOTOS!
Even if all you have are ultrasounds.
I'm going to preface this by saying if you do not have pictures - commission an artist to make you one! I will be writing another blog talking about this. Stay tuned!
Now, even if you have pictures, this may not be for everybody. Sometimes pictures bring more pain than joy. They may be better in an album on your phone that you can view every so often. That's okay. I made sure I had a dedicated album for him on my phone, so I never had to struggle to find the pictures from that day. I also made a private Facebook album (and invited a few family members into it), so I had backup. BE SURE YOUR PHOTOS ARE BACKED UP! Don't take any chances on losing these photos.
I highly recommend hanging photos throughout your house for the few who can handle it.
After the baby's furniture got put away, I needed my son to be present. Believe me, some baby furniture is still out. I haven't even touched his clothes in the dresser. But we didn't need to constantly bump into baby swings and his bassinet. So when those things got put away, it was eerie and empty. Filling every room in the house with his picture helped me feel like I was showing him that I still had room for him. Our home is his.
This process actually surprised us too. By hanging his pictures around the house, we now know when our 2-year-old is thinking about him but not telling us. She will look at him and sigh or stare. It allows us to bring up her brother and talk with her about it all.
4.) MAKE A SHADOW BOX OR FILL A MEMORY BOX
Or both! I opted to add a few pictures, his name, and his birthdate for his shadow box. It's clean and straightforward. I ordered everything in it from Etsy. The frame itself is from Amazon. Retail therapy is no joke. Proceed with caution.
As for his memory box, I included two onesies that were super special to us. One was my name reveal onesie 'B is for Bastion.' I made it the day before I found out he had passed away. The second onesie was the only onesie we had purchased brand new for him. It's a super soft bamboo sleeper. We were so excited when we picked it out, especially for him. I've also included sympathy cards, dried flowers from his bouquets, pictures, ultrasounds, a breastmilk keepsake, hospital bracelets, handprints, and more. I recently added a thank you card I received from a pregnant mom of twins who had requested breastmilk. I pumped for two weeks just to be able to do something good in my whirlwind of bad.
5.) SEE A COUNSELOR OR THERAPIST
I highly recommend this! It is something we quickly put off. I'll do it eventually. But you should really start looking into it. My husband and I have been video-calling a local therapist together. It really helps to set aside some time to thoroughly discuss our emotions. It validates our thoughts and forces us to be open with each other. We are usually open and honest in our marriage, but life gets busy, and sometimes the conversation doesn't naturally go into "I'm sad right now because..."
So many online resources are popping up to make it easier. If individually doesn't seem like it's for you, sign up for group sessions, or vice versa.
Here are a few to get you started:
6.) LISTEN TO MUSIC
I have a playlist dedicated to my baby boy. I listen to it on repeat DAILY.
Some songs include:
- Winter Bear - Coby Grany
- Rainbow - Kacey Musgrave
- More - Halsey
- Small Bump - Ed Sheeran
- The Heart of Life - John Mayor
- Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung
- Dancing in the Sky - Dani and Lizzy
- Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot
- Closer to Love - Mat Kearney
- Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Ingrid Michaelson
7.) READ ABOUT IT
Read, read, read. Hey! You're reading this; good job! I've found so much comfort in reading about others like me. I have found that I'm not alone in this. I'm not the first, and sadly, I'm not the last. Books, forums, support groups, etc.- I'm being general here, but it all depends on what fits you. My go-to's are Reddit and Facebook groups. I am currently reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis. Instagram, for me, is a hit or miss, but even that platform has moms with accounts dedicated to this stuff. The best way to find an account that interests you is by searching hashtags: #lifeafterloss #stillbornawarness #1in4 are great places to start.
8.) TALK IT OUT
Make sure you have a person to talk to or vent with. Does someone come to mind? Perhaps your spouse, family member, or friend? If not, try to find someone. I have met many moms in groups that I've really connected with. It's nice because they're in the same boat and understand me.
Sometimes your conversation doesn't have to be directed towards one person, start your own blog. It helps to open yourself up and be vulnerable. If you're not interested in making your life public knowledge, keep it personal and journal. Write letters to your baby. Getting all of your thoughts onto paper is so freeing.
Grief in Common looks like a great outlet if you're seeking friends that are also grieving.
9.) GO OUTDOORS
Walk, run, do yoga, even sit outside and clear your head! Getting some fresh air really helps. It removes you from your daily life and gives you a chance to hit that refresh button! Exercise, in general, really helps me. I feel great after I work out. Even if it's just for 10 minutes. Use those endorphins to your advantage!
It's incredible the many signs our little ones send us in nature. Look in the clouds, watch for the birds, and breathe that fresh air. Your angel is sending it your way.
10.) KEEP YOUR HANDS BUSY
Or, in other words, start a hobby. I started making bracelets to donate to hospitals less than a month after I lost my baby. It was so lovely for me to have something to do. I was supposed to be taking care of my baby. So filling this 'empty' time was necessary for me. Crocheting is also an excellent idea. Many moms crochet blankets and beanies to donate to hospitals. Find what works for you.
Another hobby I have recently started is growing a vegetable garden. I have obsessed with learning all the techniques from various YouTube videos. I am embarrassed to say I watched practically every video from Epic Gardening in under a day. Wish me luck with some yummy rainbow carrots!
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